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Thursday Morning Qback

Posted by SuckaFish

Each week SI.com’s Peter King works tirelessly to produce Monday Morning QB ensuring that it will be posted before you get to work in the morning. The next day, Gregg Easterbrook stops watching Star Trek long enough to ensure that Tuesday Morning Quarterback is live on ESPN.com by mid afternoon.

Together the two columns are roughly 16,000 words and have some invaluable information. And the latter is also fond of using scientific tangents to give his opinions more weight as he constantly states them as absolute fact. He is an ombudsman’s worst nightmare.

By Wednesday (or Thursday, and the occasional Friday) we’ll finish digesting these massive tomes and will filter out the fat and deliver the only nuggets you really need.

Week One: Monday Morning QB

Jeremy Shockey lives. Shockey hadn’t caught a touchdown pass in 22 months. In the span of three minutes against Detroit, he caught two. “Reminds me of my buddy Derek Jeter, trying to get that hit the last week or so [the hit that propelled Jeter past Lou Gehrig as the Yankees’ all-time hit leader.]

Really, you’re comparing your nearly two-year TD drought to Jeter needing a couple days to get the hit that made him the all-time hit leader for the most revered franchise in baseball history. You’re even more of a douche than I thought you were. I liked those 22 months a lot better then I liked Sunday.

Meaningless Stat of the Week: Brett Favre is the first quarterback in history to win opening games three straight years for three different teams. I’ll volunteer to start the 2010 pool. Which team will Favre win a fourth with in 2010?

I vote for the Eagles. Wouldn’t it be great to watch McNabb try to say he called Favre and asked him to sign with Philly, then have a three way QB battle with those two and Vick.

Bet you a grande hazelnut latte that Donovan McNabb plays Sunday against the Saints.

I hate coffee but I’ll take that bet. One, he gets hurt all the time and needs to recover. Two, I really see the Eagles using four starting QBs by week seven and McNabb playing this week would screw up the flow.

Stat of the Week

In his last 22 series as quarterback for the Panthers, Delhomme has thrown nine interceptions and lost two fumbles, an amazing streak of incompetence.

In 2008, three quarterbacks played complete seasons and turned it over less that Delhomme has done in the last seven quarters: Jason Campbell (553 combined passes-rushes) seven turnovers, Kerry Collins (440) eight, and Chad Pennington (506) eight.

Really? You’re being outperformed by Kerry Collins and Jason Campbell? It may be time to hang ’em up. If I knew who Carolina’s backup QB was I’d be calling for him to play.

Since Week 17 of the 2008 season, 30 Kansas City Chiefs have departed — 20 active players, five on injured-reserve, five on the practice squad. Only two have found jobs on active rosters in the NFL: tight end Tony Gonzalez (Atlanta) and defensive end Jason Babin (Philadelphia).

That’s stunning. 28 guys from their roster at the end of last season are out of work? Or at least not on an NFL team’s active roster? How’d they ever win two? It’s a miracle.

Brad Childress cutting Bobby Wade after asking him to take a pay cut., which Wade did a week before getting whacked for Greg Lewis. If you think that loses you points with your veteran players, you’re right.

I know the Vikes are stacked, they have Purple Jesus, and they play multiple Terps on D. But the way he handled the Wade and Favre situations makes me think that Childress is a dick and could be in danger of losing this team if things go bad for a stretch.

[About Jay Cutler] I mean, Hester, Olsen and Forte combined had three fewer balls thrown to them than did Earl Bennett, who had never caught an NFL pass until Sunday but who was Cutler’s teammate at Vanderbilt.

Cutler may pass Shockey as the biggest douche in the league. He’s a latter day Ryan Leaf and I hope his career takes a similar trajectory.

[His predictions for the Monday Night Football games]Patriots 31, Bills 6, at Foxboro.
Chargers 37, Raiders 13, at Oakland.

At least the information in the column was great.

Week One: Tuesday Morning Quarterback

Regrettably, the Dallas Cowboys will not appear dressed as the Dallas Steers, the team’s original name.

Well, they were never called that during a season. When the franchise was awarded they used that name and then Dallas Rangers before the Lord descended from the heavens and anointed them the Dallas Cowboys. Here’s an interesting, and little known, story about the awarding of the franchise. The owners of the Redskins tried to stop Dallas from getting a team. It seems they were the only team in the south at the time and were afraid of the market competition. Apparently Peter Angelos was involved. So, the Dallas contingent bought the rights to ‘Hail to the Redskins’ and would only allow Washington to use their fight song if they were awarded the franchise. The first of 54 times Dallas has beaten Washington, so far.

Traditionally, Tuesday Morning Quarterback proposes that the team goin’ to Disney World will be one that does not appear on “Monday Night Football.” This year’s Monday night shutouts are Cincinnati, Detroit, Jacksonville, Kansas City, Seattle, St. Louis and Tampa. An unimposing group to be sure, but if the league braintrust thinks they will all be bad, one is sure to be good. Therefore, once again, I predict the Super Bowl winner will come from among the teams not on “Monday Night Football.” I am 2-for-9 on this prediction so far

That’s amazingly sound logic. No wonder it’s been such a clear predictor of performance.

Stats of the Week No. 2: Indianapolis has won 10 of its past 11 games, with the sole loss an overtime game in which the Colts never had an OT possession.
Stats of the Week No. 3: Cleveland has two offensive touchdowns in its past seven games.
Stats of the Week No. 6: Stretching back to last season, Tennessee has lost consecutive games by a 13-10 final score, and in those losses the Titans reached the opposition’s 12-, 13-, 19-, 22-, 27-, 30-, 33- and 34-yard lines without scoring.
Stats of the Week No. 7: Seven of Jason Campbell’s last 532 passes have been intercepted. Nine of Jake Delhomme’s last 51 passes have been intercepted.
Stats of the Week No. 9: Baltimore, which surrendered only 29 yards rushing against Kansas City, has not allowed a 100-yard rusher since 2006.
Stat of the Week No. 10: Two years ago on “Monday Night Football,” Buffalo lost to Dallas 25-24 by giving up nine points in the final minute; Monday night on “Monday Night Football,” Buffalo lost to New England 25-24 by giving up 12 points in the final two minutes.

It’s pretty late, can we just assume I had a witty comment for each of those?

[Miles] Austin spun at the sideline, where City of Tampa cornerback Elbert Mack lightly shoved him, thinking he was already out of bounds. But he wasn’t! That was sour. Mario Manningham of the Giants took a simple hitch pass on third-and-8 and legged it to the end zone, after breaking a sloppy tackle attempt by Kareem Moore at the line. That was sweet. Halfway through the run, always-boasting megabucks cornerback DeAngelo Hall gave Manningham a light shove at the sideline, thinking he was already out of bounds. But he wasn’t! That was sour.

Really? You know what each of these defenders was thinking? Is it possible that they tried to push the guys out of bounds but the offensive players used their athletic skills to avoid being knocked out and continued to run?

How About 10 Nobel Peace Prizes Every Year? The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences — what a name, there is a science to making a buddy road flick — just expanded the Oscar nominees category for Best Picture from five to 10.

Um, they are increasing the number of nominees, not the number of prizes awarded. Those are actually different things.

The killer mistake was when McKelvin struggled to try to gain an extra yard after he was under tackle by two Patriots. Get on the ground! He’d brought the ball back to the 31-yard line — reaching the 32 was completely irrelevant. He’s a super-highly-paid first-round-drafted NFL player — doesn’t he know the desperate Patriots will try to strip the ball?

I’m pretty sure the Patriots players were holding him, preventing him from getting on the ground, so they could attempt to strip the ball. It’s impressive how often Easterbrook can actually read the thoughts of players and know their intent.

A popular new sit-down burger franchise, Red Robin, talks a lot about local ingredients, corporate integrity and the like. But check its fare. The queso appetizer is 1,433 calories and 89 grams of fat; the Guacamole Bacon Burger is 1,160 calories and 77 grams of fat; the chicken tenders salad is 1,400 calories and 91 grams of fat; the Mountain High Mud Pie is 1,373 calories and 63 grams of fat.

The stats on the food are pretty nasty but let’s focus on that first phrase, “A popular new sit-down burger franchise.” A quick trip to Wikipedia shows that Red Robin was founded in 1969 and the first franchisee opened a restaurant in 1979. The current year is 2009. That’s new in geological terms but not for restaurants. You argue that he could mean it’s new in his area? I live in the same county as Mr. Easterbrook and they’ve been around for years.

Red Zone Channel is an exciting new way to watch football, and if it were a network, it would out-draw many games.

Yeah, about that new thing again. Just because it’s new to you doesn’t mean it’s new. I’ve actually been anxiously awaiting the return of the RZC for quite some time.

The Football Gods Chortled: In the Clemson-Georgia Tech game, Clemson botched a fake field goal attempt, and Georgia Tech returned the ball for a touchdown. On the next Georgia Tech possession, the Yellow Jackets ran a fake field goal attempt, and Clemson was caught unsuspecting; no one covered the target, and the Yellow Jackets scored a touchdown. You just ran a fake field goal, and were tricked by a fake field goal!

With a name like Dabo Swinney it has to be good.

There you have it. They gave us more than 16,000 words, we gave you roughly 1,700. Now use that time we saved you to do some good. Call your mom or an old friend. Volunteer at a local charity. Or you can use it to sett your fantasy lineup. Whichever works best for you.


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